Hopeful Grousing …

Posted: January 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

November 2006
It is now 4:01 in the morning. I had this week “off” from teaching. I was looking forward to having a productive week learning some new recording software and getting other work related things done. But, once again the software update didn’t arrive for the umpteenth time. I spent the beginning of the week with my back out, being exhausted and feeling generally horrible. I spent the middle of the week dealing with Ken and I both feeling bad, and trying to push through anyway to get stuff done. I spent the end of the week saddened by the fact that I bothered to try to get work done at all and wishing that I could have just said “forget it” and just taken the time OFF to rest and unwind.

Normally I try to be a “glass half full” kind of girl, but today I was just sad. I tried to shift gears and get other work done… cds downloaded into Itunes… songs entered into the computer and transposed, etc… but at each step I had computer problems. I think I’m just bone tired… I’m weary. I think I normally have a pretty productive life considering… I run my own business… work 50 to 60 hours a week… try to spend time with my husband and the dogs… try to be creative on the side and also invest in the lives of the people around me. All those things I enjoy most of the time.

I think what I miss in my heart of hearts is being able to just sit and stare at the ocean and read a book. Deep inside of me I just wish there was someone who would say “I’ll take care of you.” I know from talking to my friends that is an ache that many of us share… sort of an ancient cry from our childhood where we missed that from our parents. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother’s death at the ripe old age of 49. I was barely 14 and I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 11 really. I know some of you reading this can relate. Until this moment, I didn’t really think about how that all plays into my grief. As John Hiatt says in his great song “Thirty Years Of Tears,” “these are tears from a long time ago.

No one held a gun to my head this week and told me I had to work instead of taking a vacation week. That was my own poor choice. Next time I need to turn my brain off, and just go play. I also need to remember that even in the midst of everything this week, Ken and I were able to cook and freeze a bunch of great, healthy meals that we’ll have in the upcoming weeks when we are busy. I also got to see several of my friends I really enjoy, and will see several others this weekend and have a chance to be creative and work on music. And, having something that resembled intestinal flu part of the week gave me plenty of time for some reading I wouldn’t have normally gotten to. Being awake at night gave me time to play the guitar. Ok, so the glass is a quarter full. Time to quit whining and try to get some sleep.

For those who are interested… This is a great song by John Haitt. It resonates with me a lot.

THIRTY YEARS OF TEARS by John Hiatt…
Is this a place I can rest my poor head
To gather my thoughts in sweet silence
Is this a place where the feelings aren’t dead
From an overexposure to violence
And is this a place I can slowly face
The only one I truly can know
These are tears from a long time ago
I got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago
Oh Darling, oh darling, say unto me
Where have you been all my lifetime
Well I have been swimmin’ the seven sad seas
Fair women have thrown me their lifelines
And I just pulled them on to the water’s dark grin
I’d have warned ’em but I didn’t know

These are tears from a long time ago
I’ve got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago

Well, I’ve cried me a river, I’ve cried me a lake
I’ve cried till the past nearly drowned me
Tears for sad consequences
Tears for mistakes
But never these tears that surround me
Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace
And a heartbeat that tells me it’s so

I’ve got these tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
And I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
I’ve got these tears from a long time ago

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